You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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