What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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