upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i dont even know how to be here
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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