I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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