Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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