dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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