oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
