My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
