Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
