What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
