My room smells like vodka and shame
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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