I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
