My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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