Will you blow on my dice?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
