That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize