hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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