Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
