Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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