i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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