I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
