She just used a chaser for red wine.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
