So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
