i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
