My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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