Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
