Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
