listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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