Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
