guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
