you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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