drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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