saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize