halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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