dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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