also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They took my balls.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
