he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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