if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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