I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
