dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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