I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
