You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize