remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
