new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
