My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I could have mohawked her pubes.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
