we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
