Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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