We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
