Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
