we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
