I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
