This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize