I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Life without a bra equals bliss.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
