Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
