oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
