1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize