I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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