my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
