YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
