Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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