he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
