sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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