I'm so fucking centered right now
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We have started to decorate penises.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
