No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
