Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
