he puts the penis in happiness.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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