Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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