i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
