my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
